


Uncertainties

by deudyoh



Category: haikyuu
Genre: Angst but not really i just want my characters to suffer, Happy ending if u want it to be lol, Multi, the place im thinking of is Batanes in Philippines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27798373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deudyoh/pseuds/deudyoh
Summary: Every ink I bled for you will remain hidden just as every moment with you will be buried.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Original Character(s), Miya Atsumu x Reader - Relationship, Miya Atsumu/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	Uncertainties

Let me start at the end.

We couldn’t make it through.

Honestly, there’s no other way around it. In the end, we have to make it back home.

Home… Funny word, isn’t it?

Home for me is scattered papers, unfamiliar faces, unknown places, cold temperature, and a queasy feeling, because I’m not the type to stay in one place for a long time.

Home for me isn’t some cheesy feeling, more of somewhere it feels nice to smile. Somewhere it feels okay to burp aloud. Some _where_ , not some _one._

Home for some people are two hands and a loving smile.

I never had that.

That feeling of comfort that there is someone waiting, someone who’s actually there… Someone with you.

“Hey!”

That’s why when you locked eyes with me, I knew something’s wrong.

‘Familiar’ is never a welcomed feeling to me nor it has ever wanted to welcome me. Not to be a pessimist or act all mighty but I honestly just liked not sticking in one place.

But then you took my hand and made me feel it.

Home.

For once, I want to have something permanent, something I want to need me too.

Not something. Some _one_.

You, showing up in my life, are something I don’t regret. But the choices made afterwards are definitely something I do.

We’re both vulnerable and the only thing that made us sane was each other’s company.

Interlocked fingers, shy smiles, nights shared, dreams planned. It’s fun to fall in love.

But not with someone engaged to be married.

Don’t worry; this is not a love story.

Nor that it will ever be.

This is a goodbye.

Every ink I bled for you will remain hidden just as every moment with you will be buried.

—

Another week I’ll be spending alone.

Sometimes I ask myself why I am doing this. Is it for solitude? Or am I trying to escape something?

“You know you’re not supposed to just let your bag in the way, don’t you?”

Definitely solitude.

“Sorry. A kid must’ve dragged it.” I said while pulling the bag beside me.

“You have to watch it because some people might trip, or it might get lost. Stop acting like you’re such a busy person—“

I stood up, “There’s my flight. Do you mind? You know you’re not supposed to just stand in the way of someone, right?”

His mouth opened and closed. I don’t know what’s with people sometimes. We can be so freaking rude for no reason.

As I sit, I prepared myself for another unfamiliar place but will soon make all of these thoughts go away. Where I will be comfortable once again.

That’s it. Comfortability is the closest thing you can describe what’s familiar is to me.

After an hour and a half, the plane landed and when I stepped outside, something feels wrong.

I checked all my belongings, everything seemed to be in place. My phone, wallet, money, & passport. I shook off the feeling and braced myself.

You know… It’s not hard to write, in a literal sense. What’s hard is to convey whatever is on your mind because you’re speaking in metaphors. You want people to understand by not making them understand.

Humans are like that. They like clinging on a past trauma to say they’ve got an amazing story to tell. To make people listen. All it takes is just one deep and unsettling word then BAM, people start to sympathize.

See? We pretend to be deep and mysterious when in reality we just want to be heard.

And that’s honestly hard.

“Yes, I’m (L/N, F/N), I’ll be staying for a week.” I said while tapping my fingers on the counter.

A pair of hands appeared beside mine.

“I’m Miya Atsumu. Also here for a week.”

I looked at the man beside me.

Was he smiling at me? Is he still smiling at me?

I think I frowned a little because his smile faltered.

Is this what made me feel different? Should this make me feel different?

His mouth is moving. He’s saying something.

“What?”

“Keys.”

I looked at where his finger’s pointing. Right. I stared at him. Nice.

“Sorry,” I took my keys, “Thanks.” Smiled at the clerk but avoided his gaze then left.

Do I know that guy?

Impossible. It’s not like I have a lot of acquaintances to begin with. Maybe he’s just a friendly person.

I unpacked my things and got ready for the day.

I usually take tours whenever I travel because if I won’t, I’d be too lazy to actually go around and not research the thing I’m supposed to write about.

I stepped out of my room the same moment as the guy did.

We exchanged an eyebrow raise and head for the lobby.

I think we’re both waiting for our tour guide so I just scanned the place as an excuse not to talk to him and not acknowledge his presence or what happened earlier.

“I thought it would be chilly since it is December and we’re far up North.”

I looked at him, smiling at my way. Did he just talk to me?

“Oh, me too.”

We stood in silence.

“I’m Atsumu.” He outstretched his hands.

I took it and we shook hands, “(F/N)”

“Not a big talker, are you?”

I just smiled and we stopped shaking hands, and that’s when I noticed it.

A ring.

He must’ve noticed I saw it because he quickly shoved his hand in his pocket, “I’m here for clearance.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Clearance if what I’m doing is right or if I can’t really live without her.”

I frowned. “Did you get it?” He asked.

I must’ve looked confused, ”Yes. I’m just thinking it’s weird to test if you can’t live with someone. Why not just live _for_ someone without the feeling of guilt?”

He looked dumbfounded. “I’m sorry I might’ve took it deeper than you intended.”

“No! No, it’s just… That’s a really good question.” He hummed, “What about you, then, why are you here?”

“Oh, I’m here to write.”

His face lit up, ”You’re a writer? No way!” He nodded, mostly at himself, “That’s why you seem to have a deep understanding with words.”

I scoffed.

“Will you cast me?”

Funny, looking back at our first conversation makes me realize that this wouldn’t even be told if you only kept quiet.

But then… I kept answering.

Like I said, we’re both vulnerable. Searching for something familiar in an unfamiliar place.

“Of course, but you have to make an impact to me.”

“Oh,” He huffed, “gladly will.”

We both smiled at each other. Sincerely this time.

Maybe the universe is toying with me this time around. I have been successfully avoiding human contact ever since I graduated college but now… Why do I have to be stuck with someone much less than a stranger?

Apparently, the guide who’s supposed to accompany me got caught up with clients and can’t make it today. All of my plans are carefully laid out since day 1. I really can’t miss a schedule.

“Unless…” Someone said, “You come with me.”

I looked at him. “Huh?”

“You can come with me. I think we booked the same tours. Up until the Island Transfer. We can just go together.”

My heart sank. From nervousness? Annoyance?

Or the feeling of being with someone?

This is definitely the reason why I felt different.

—

Atsumu took a solo tour. Which means he paid the tour guide to take him around. And by him, I mean ALONE. And if I agree, he might not be able to do the clearance he clearly went here for.

“Honestly, its fine. Just take the tour with me.” He reassured me.

I pursed my lips and juggled my options. I can’t afford to lose a day, but I can also just switch those days.

“Come on, (F/N).” His eyes are waiting. His hand laid out.

I looked at his palm, then, at his ring.

What could go wrong?

I slapped his hand, accepting the invitation, and stepped inside the van.

—

We went around the northern part of the island. And to my surprise we didn’t really get to interfere with each other because he’s busy being alone and I’m busy collecting research.

Many times while writing I ask myself: Why am I writing this thing? How am I going to make people realize that, ah, this is it. This is the reason why she wrote this.

Only to answer myself with, do you have to have a reason someone should understand it the way you understand it?

And yes, looking at him taking in each surrounding made me realize how humans have different feeling despite being in the same universe. I’m here for a research, he’s here for himself. I’m here to work, he’s here for a vacation.

Our second to the last place to visit is a church. I entered and he asked, “I’m a Catholic, are you?”

I shook my head. “But I love the peacefulness each church holds. The way people solemnly clasp their hands together and say a prayer. This is the place where you can see how people behave. Each wall holds a secret only for it to hear. It hears whispers only they can understand.”

“You…”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t mind me. Just being my usual writer self.” I waved him off to let him wallow in my words.

\---

The next day, we toured the southern part.

Ring still in his finger, pen still in my hands.

Everything is still in place.

Our day started with a church.

“What are you so solemn for if you’re not Catholic?”

I took a deep breath, “I’m not necessarily praying, because that would mean I owe the universe something should I actually acquire whatever it is. I’m asking if there is actually one thing worth praying for.”

Again, he looked dumbfounded.

“Do you always do this?”

“It’s what I do for a living.”

“Right, you’re here for a job. But let’s pretend you’re not a writer. What would you ask for if the universe can grant you one wish?”

I glared at him. “First, I’d tell them that it’s ridiculous.”

“Let’s be ridiculous for a moment.”

“Maybe… For people to be less hung up about something?”

“That’s a really vague answer, the universe just got pissed and gave up.”

I shrugged, “Well, that’s my wish. What about you?”

He put his hands on his chin, “Maybe… To meet someone like you a bit earlier?”

“The universe wants to know why.”

“You clearly think first before speaking. I’d really like to have a friend like you.”

“Hmm. A friend.” I grinned, “I don’t do friends.”

“And why’s that?”

“I’m not good at the most basic relationships. It’s the reason why I’ve been travelling alone. I’ve been here and there and I’ve never been more attached with the world.”

“You don’t always have to be alone with your thoughts.”

“That’s why I became a writer.”

His mouth formed an O, “Everything you do clearly is laid out, huh?”

“I don’t like taking risks. But whenever I set my mind on something, I go for it.”

“Whoa, now I really want to have that wish to meet you a bit earlier.’

“Everything must fall into place. Everything for everyone.”

“Stop being vague. I still don’t want the writer you.”

“And she doesn’t want you, too.” I teased and stood up.

—

The third day came and it means we have to go to another island for our tour.

I looked at his finger.

“It’s just me for the next 3 days.” He smiled innocently.

“Is this part of your clearance?”

“Maybe.”

“The universe feels weird about this.”

“Ah but the universe has her own plans, doesn’t she?”

I looked disapprovingly but he’s right… The universe might be big but she knows all of her galaxies.

We rode a boat and it’s clearly not the best time to travel because of how it got unfriendly with each wave.

One hand reached for the other. Who held it together, the other can’t seem to remember.

The hold got tighter because the boat rocked like hell and with just one wrong move it seemed like it will spit them into the sea.

“We’re here!” The tour guide screamed.

“Hey, we’re here.”

I opened my eyes and stopped holding his hand.

“I’m sorry. I think I reached for your hand back there.”

“Oh, I thought it was me. Sorry.”

I stood up and took my bags.

“I’ll be inside the house for today. Got to collect all those research properly.”

He clearly looked sad but managed a smile, “Okay.”

This is not right. He is engaged. And to ask for more than a smile and deep talks is too much.

The day passed by without us seeing each other.

The next day was my time to go out and for him to stay in. We saw each other in the garden.

“How was your day yesterday?” He asked. Ring still unattached.

“Oh, good, good. I collected enough information, I guess.”

“It’s my time to stay here.”

“Okay.” I heard the van approaching, “The guide’s here, I should go.” I turned around.

“Meet me by the garden tonight?”

I looked at him, “The garden near the beach?”

“Let’s have coffee when you come back.”

“Atsumu-”

“I’ll see you.” He said, and went on his way.

Throughout the whole day, I can’t focus properly because of him.

Maybe he just wants to have coffee? Or just to talk because we weren’t able to for the past 2 days?

But deep down I know that’s absurd. It’s just him now. He’s just a man travelling, not an engaged person thinking whether he should marry her or not.

“We’re here!” The guide announced our arrival at the house I’m staying. The whole day just passed like that.

Just as I entered the place I saw him getting out of his room.

“Oh you’re here?”

“Yeah.”

“Coffee?”

“I’m… A bit tired…”

He smiled, “What are you so wary of? It’s just coffee.” His words reassured me but his eyes seemed hopeful I’d say.

“Okay. Coffee.”

“Okay.”

—

“So you’re telling me. You started to travel right after college?”

“Yeah, why not? I don’t have any reason to stay.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

We’re just having coffee.

And he clearly wished to have a friend like me.

What was I so worried about?

“Honestly though, It was the best decision of my life. I’m just lucky my uncle’s head of a publishing company I really wanted. Everything just fell into place.”

He looked at me, “Everything for everyone.”

“Yeah, everything for everyone.” He remembered.

“Okay, then tell me, why did you want to become a writer?”

“It’s what I do best. Retelling stories. Making people listen. Making people sympathize. Making… people, people. Enough about me. What do you do for a living?”

“I manage a business my family have. Hina and I—“

He stopped and looked at me sideways.

“I kind of get who that is. Come on, continue.”

“Our family’s business partners. And I kind of liked her. So the most logical thing is to get married, I guess?”

“You guess?”

“Yeah. We both know it’s eventually going there, you know.”

I sipped my coffee.

“Yeah. Not until this trip, though.”

Looking at the beach in front seemed scary all of a sudden. The sea is vast and deep, just as how this conversation can go.

“I mean…” He sensed I got uncomfortable, “I liked being by myself… And clearly, I don’t like her. Not that way. I still have a lot of things to figure out.”

I remained quiet.

“And meeting you…”

“Don’t.”

“I know. It’s just that you seem to always think carefully about things.“

“It’s who I am. Not who I wanted to be.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“No need to be.”

He sighed. “So… Ever had this type of feeling? This feeling of wanting to let go of someone.”

“Yeah but not, you know, romantically.”

“Wait, did you ever have a boyfriend?”

My eyes suddenly got big, “What?! It’s not... Yeah.”

“You’re really really unbelievable! What genre do you usually write about, then, huh?”

“I don’t write love stories. I just write stories. I hate writing love stories because I might not properly convey something I haven’t experience yet!”

“Don’t sound so defensive!” He said while laughing, “Okay, have you ever had a crush on someone?”

“Of course! I’m still a human, though?”

“Okay, then describe them.”

“I...”

“Come on tell me, what’s your ideal type?”

“I gave up thinking about that ideal types, though.”

“Okay, pretend I’m a notebook and you’re writing about someone you like. Describe that person.”

I don’t think he’s going to drop this subject, so I sighed and gave in.

“I used to be an intern in my uncle’s office, I met him there. At first I didn’t think I’d be friends with him because I hate talking, generally.” I looked at him and he’s patiently waiting to every word I say.

He was nice. He became a friend. Well, I became friends with everyone there, that’s why they took me in after graduation. Me and him, though, we’re a duo. He was working there and I was just an intern but we work perfectly well. The weird thing is, ever since I became friends with everyone that’s when we started to fall apart. I don’t really know what happened. Maybe even the friendship wasn’t meant to be in the first place. That the universe just made us meet for the sake of it. He was my first real heartbreak. It’s not that the feeling was confirmed to be mutual but it’s there. The conversation is still hanging up to this day. The smiles we used to share became a frown and the playfulness with each other became a passive aggressive conversation. Even the friendship is gone.”

Maybe in the middle of the sentence my tears started to fall. I can’t really remember.

“The one thing I’m asking for the universe not to take away from me is gone. And the funny thing is I don’t think I’d ever get the clarity of that uncertainty.”

The silence started to take over.

And it seems to be friendly this time.

“You can’t find any answer unless it’s from him. And you, travelling… It won’t give you the answer you want.”

I frowned, “I’m not looking for answers. Not getting an answer sometimes _is_ the answer.”

We just sat in silence for about a minute.

“This is enough for now. Don’t tease me about it tomorrow, or I’ll leave your character out of my story!” I stood up and went to my room.

His eyes widened, “Oh my God, I’m in it?!” I heard him shout just as I’m closing the door.

Of course you’re in it. You’re the reason why it as written in the first place.

The next day went by a blur. We toured together again and by the end of the day, we found each other by the garden again.

“It’s weird how there’s no other people this time of year.” He said.

“Well, they’re usually at sunny places not somewhere cold like here.”

“Wow, that’s a good observation, ms. (F/N)!”

“Shut up.”

“I want to take a walk around.”

“As in right now? At 7 in the evening?”

He nodded. I cocked my head, “Okay. Enjoy.”

We just stared at each other. “Don’t want to?”

“I mean.” I looked around, “There’s not much to see though.”

“The sea is right in front of us. There IS much to see.”

“Okay, I guess.”

While walking around the garden, he picked up an a struggling bug on the ground and tried to scare me with it.

The wings are colorful but the eyes are haunting.

“Insects are fascinating.”

I just listened.

“Spiders can hop,” He hopped his finger with the bug, it climbed down a leaf he guided to, “Cockroaches can fly,” He wiggled to fingers in front of me.

I’m looking at the bug he put down, it looks like it’s slowly fluttering its wings. Getting ready to take flight, I guess.

“Humans, however, feel superior towards them and just squish them because they look scary. These small threats makes them squirm and sick when they can just leave them be. They always think that every little thing is out there to hurt them. We’re all just a bunch of scaredy-cats, afraid to take the risk, do the unusual, and befriend the insect.”

The bug has flown but we’re both looking at where it has been.

I laughed. “What?” He asked.

“Really, though? An insect has no idea of the consequences if they get near a human being. Humans, however, know what might come next. In reality, it’s the naïve one’s duty to stay from the unknown.”

We heard a small buzz and a _tch._ We looked at the ground.

He tilted his head. “The bug flew, but the wind rejected it.” He smiled and walked ahead.

I told you, the universe knows its galaxies.

We went back to the table, the awkwardness seemed a bit heavy.

I sat down beside him. ”I purposely didn’t bring my ring.” He announced.

“You’re an ass, then.”

“I told you, it’s my clearance.”

“I don’t care. Don’t drag me into this.”

“I’m not, though?”

“What are you doing then?”

He leaned back in his chair. “Answer me this, as a writer.”

“Why did I have to meet you when the universe knows we can’t be together?”

We stared at each other for a moment.

“You… You don’t always have to act on your feelings. Sometimes people are there to give us lessons. To give us hope. And in this case, to know what love is.”

He seemed annoyed. “Well, I don’t wanna know.”

“Don’t be stubborn.”

“I don’t want to know. I want to feel.”

“Atsumu.”

“I want to feel it.”

I stood up.

“From you.”

I left.

—

The next day was our trip back to the main island.

Needless to say it was awkward as hell.

“I want to rent a bike for the whole day.” I heard him inform the front clerk right after we stepped in.

I could care less about his feelings. This was never meant to happen.

I arranged my notes from morning to afternoon. And I think he was out the whole day.

But that night, we found each other’s eyes again.

“Hey!” He seemed chipper. I just frowned at him and sat at the lobby while reading.

“Wearing it.” He pointed at his finger.

I ignored him.

He sat at the sofa opposite mine. It feels like he wants me to start so, “Don’t let it hang. Just talk.”

He sighed, “I’m sorry for being stubborn.”

“Yeah, you clearly should say sorry for that.”

“Coffee?”

“Tea for me.”

He smiled and stood up. Minutes later, he appeared with two cups in hand.

“This was a success.”

I continued to read but I listened.

“You’re right I shouldn’t drag you into this. But still, thank you.”

I put down my book. “Thank you?”

“Yeah, for being a nice company. And… a friend.” He smiled.

I smiled back, “Yeah, same here.”

We clinked our mugs like it were wine glasses and became silent.

I slept first because I have an earlier flight than yours.

And we both know there’s no other better goodbye than the one we had the night before.

And the moment I stepped into my apartment, I knew I had to tell it.

To tell you the story of how our uncertainties doesn’t always have to have clarities. How to not feel rushed just to fill a void with something temporary. Not that what I felt there was meant to be temporary but we both have an unfinished story. It’s nice to fall in in love, to meet someone, to want them. To even feel at home with just a glance, just a smile, just simply being together. To know that there’s everything for everyone. But we can’t create more uncertainties and that’s the clarity of it all.

When I told you at the beginning that we couldn’t make it, is because we really couldn’t make it.

Not that we didn’t want to. But because we couldn’t.

—

Five years later and I wonder, if you even remember.

Maybe you do.

Because the moment I looked up, you were standing on the other side of the street, about to cross.

15 seconds.

Your face shows how much you can’t believe it. You raised your hand.

No ring.

10 seconds.

Yes, Atsumu, you’re in this story.

You are the story.

5

4

3

2

1

The light turned green.

It’s time to cross the road.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Thank you for reading, sorry for any grammatical mistakes. But yeah, I wrote this with my solo trip in mind. I did went to Batanes alone last 2017 but sadly met no Atsumu lol *sobs *sobs


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